Thursday, May 7, 2015
On The Mend
Sigh..it's been 5 months since I last wrote a blog. I love to write! Why is blogging so hard? I love to be spanked! Why is writing about it so hard? I'm trying too hard, the words in my head get shuffled and I can't get them typed. I write a line, I erase two lines! But I know EH likes me to write. He likes to read what I write so today I will attempt to blog for him.
We went through a really rough time recently. I thought DD was over for us. There was nothing DD going on for either of us. I was far from submissive and he was further away from being my dominant. I was constantly sad and quickly reverting back to the old me. He was grumpy and inattentive. It started to fade because of our stupid finances! Or should I say the lack of. There wasn't enough money to pay the bills. EH is gone for 13 hours every day! Yet there wasn't enough money to pay the bills. No EH! No money! We started to fight about where all the money goes every paycheck. Bills! Stupid bills! We over extended and maxed out credit cards that we couldn't afford to pay back. I feel like it was my fault because I wanted to make a serious life change, which EH agreed to, but it was too soon to make the change and it put us in a horrible money fix. EH is constantly worried about the money and bills. He was overwhelmed and life was too demanding for him. He started to withdraw from me in all areas of US! Occasionally we'd talk about DD and I would always accuse him of ending it, he always told me "It's not over!" But I felt like it was.
Then somehow, I don't even know when or how, but DD started to make an appearance. Very slowly at first. He made little threats that I laughed at, he would try to give me the look and I would make a sarcastic remark. Then one day I guess he decided enough was enough and he took advantage of an afternoon with no kids around! We were working outside when he put down the shovel he was using, looked at me, took my hand and led me into the house. I protested while my body was screaming "YES!". I told him I didn't want a spanking! I was lying, but for some crazy reason I felt I needed to play the part. He pulled me into our bedroom and told me to take down my pants. Reluctantly (not!) I did as I was told. I watched him take his belt off and hold it in one hand as he nudged me over the end of our bed with his other hand. I was expecting a few warm up spanks to get started but when the first one hit it took my breath away! I rolled over and tried to climb off the bed as I shouted my disapproval, he rolled me back over and pulled my legs back to the edge of the bed! He continued to spank me until I stopped fighting it. This is probably where you'd think I melted and we hugged and DD was perfect again. Nope! I was mad! I wanted this right?! I've been waiting for this to happen for months! But when it was over I was mad! I clamed up and wouldn't talk. I don't know what got into me. I don't know why I was mad. The unexpected pain? Not long enough? Something he said? I will probably never know.
But we seemed to jump that hurdle and kept going from there. Slowly! At least it wasn't a setback. It could have gone either way. EH has been dedicated to fixing US. There were more hurdles and more stress and more swaying back and forth. But last night as we sat on our back porch late at night, rocking in our lawn chairs, talking, reading blogs and forums together I came to realize how deeply I love this man. He works so hard for our family. He never complains! He gets very little sleep but yet he stays up late to read to me. He gets up extra early to give me a reminder spanking every morning! To remind me I'm his good girl. He's gone too many hours during the day yet he's here with me. When I'm on the computer I know he's watching what I'm doing (thanks “Team Viewer”). He knows when I leave the house, thanks to an app on our phones. Although once last Christmas I turned off the app so he wouldn't know where I was but somehow he was still tracking me. He likes to tell me when I missed my turn or I'm going the wrong direction! My daughter in law was with me and said "that's a little creepy!" He knows when the battery on my phone is getting too low also! I think I'm finally past getting spanked for that though. He knows and see's everything! Our kids think he's a stalker and they tease him about being creepy. But seriously I love how he watches over me. I love being stalked. I feel safe and secure and loved! I have to be very careful with what I eat; he is the only one who really understands what a struggle this is. He brings me food I can eat and he constantly texts to make sure I'm testing and eating right. I ate some 'devil food' the other day and I wasn't feeling well and he almost drove 45 minutes home to make sure I was ok. I convinced him that I was. Later that night I received a severe spanking for eating the forbidden food though! He lets me vent and get it all out without interrupting me. Although it isn't good for my back side at times, at least I'm given the 'on air time'. All my rules are to benefit me. To help me become a better person. He asks very little of me. Seems like we hardly ever talk about him. It makes me sad when I think about that. I love this man with every fiber of my being. He is my world and I would be lost without him. I'm thankful he brought back DD. I'm more in love with him than ever before.