Thursday, May 7, 2015
Sigh..it's been 5 months since I last wrote a blog. I love to write! Why is blogging so hard? I love to be spanked! Why is writing about it so hard? I'm trying too hard, the words in my head get shuffled and I can't get them typed. I write a line, I erase two lines! But I know EH likes me to write. He likes to read what I write so today I will attempt to blog for him.
We went through a really rough time recently. I thought DD was over for us. There was nothing DD going on for either of us. I was far from submissive and he was further away from being my dominant. I was constantly sad and quickly reverting back to the old me. He was grumpy and inattentive. It started to fade because of our stupid finances! Or should I say the lack of. There wasn't enough money to pay the bills. EH is gone for 13 hours every day! Yet there wasn't enough money to pay the bills. No EH! No money! We started to fight about where all the money goes every paycheck. Bills! Stupid bills! We over extended and maxed out credit cards that we couldn't afford to pay back. I feel like it was my fault because I wanted to make a serious life change, which EH agreed to, but it was too soon to make the change and it put us in a horrible money fix. EH is constantly worried about the money and bills. He was overwhelmed and life was too demanding for him. He started to withdraw from me in all areas of US! Occasionally we'd talk about DD and I would always accuse him of ending it, he always told me "It's not over!" But I felt like it was.
Then somehow, I don't even know when or how, but DD started to make an appearance. Very slowly at first. He made little threats that I laughed at, he would try to give me the look and I would make a sarcastic remark. Then one day I guess he decided enough was enough and he took advantage of an afternoon with no kids around! We were working outside when he put down the shovel he was using, looked at me, took my hand and led me into the house. I protested while my body was screaming "YES!". I told him I didn't want a spanking! I was lying, but for some crazy reason I felt I needed to play the part. He pulled me into our bedroom and told me to take down my pants. Reluctantly (not!) I did as I was told. I watched him take his belt off and hold it in one hand as he nudged me over the end of our bed with his other hand. I was expecting a few warm up spanks to get started but when the first one hit it took my breath away! I rolled over and tried to climb off the bed as I shouted my disapproval, he rolled me back over and pulled my legs back to the edge of the bed! He continued to spank me until I stopped fighting it. This is probably where you'd think I melted and we hugged and DD was perfect again. Nope! I was mad! I wanted this right?! I've been waiting for this to happen for months! But when it was over I was mad! I clamed up and wouldn't talk. I don't know what got into me. I don't know why I was mad. The unexpected pain? Not long enough? Something he said? I will probably never know.
But we seemed to jump that hurdle and kept going from there. Slowly! At least it wasn't a setback. It could have gone either way. EH has been dedicated to fixing US. There were more hurdles and more stress and more swaying back and forth. But last night as we sat on our back porch late at night, rocking in our lawn chairs, talking, reading blogs and forums together I came to realize how deeply I love this man. He works so hard for our family. He never complains! He gets very little sleep but yet he stays up late to read to me. He gets up extra early to give me a reminder spanking every morning! To remind me I'm his good girl. He's gone too many hours during the day yet he's here with me. When I'm on the computer I know he's watching what I'm doing (thanks “Team Viewer”). He knows when I leave the house, thanks to an app on our phones. Although once last Christmas I turned off the app so he wouldn't know where I was but somehow he was still tracking me. He likes to tell me when I missed my turn or I'm going the wrong direction! My daughter in law was with me and said "that's a little creepy!" He knows when the battery on my phone is getting too low also! I think I'm finally past getting spanked for that though. He knows and see's everything! Our kids think he's a stalker and they tease him about being creepy. But seriously I love how he watches over me. I love being stalked. I feel safe and secure and loved! I have to be very careful with what I eat; he is the only one who really understands what a struggle this is. He brings me food I can eat and he constantly texts to make sure I'm testing and eating right. I ate some 'devil food' the other day and I wasn't feeling well and he almost drove 45 minutes home to make sure I was ok. I convinced him that I was. Later that night I received a severe spanking for eating the forbidden food though! He lets me vent and get it all out without interrupting me. Although it isn't good for my back side at times, at least I'm given the 'on air time'. All my rules are to benefit me. To help me become a better person. He asks very little of me. Seems like we hardly ever talk about him. It makes me sad when I think about that. I love this man with every fiber of my being. He is my world and I would be lost without him. I'm thankful he brought back DD. I'm more in love with him than ever before.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
So I looked at some bad porn yesterday. Not something I usually do. I felt guilty and I had a bad feeling inside. I texted EH and told him that I had looked at porn and I felt yucky and dirty. We have never discussed this before. It wasn't a rule that I don't look at porn. We've never come across this issue. I think he was taken aback somewhat. He asked when and where and if I was ok. I texted back "on my phone, and yes I'm ok". Then he wrote that he was very disappointed in me and he would punish me when he came home tonight. I agreed. I didn't like the feeling I had and I wanted a spanking to help me get over it. I felt better knowing he cared.
When he came home we ate a nice dinner and he helped me clean up afterwards. He told the boys that he and I were going to go to the grocery store, which we did. On the way home he drove past our turn and continued to drive a little ways out of town. He turned off the highway and parked on a hill. It was dark and very peaceful. He opened my door and led me out of the car. He talked to me about the dangers of porn sites, and to be very careful what I do on the internet. He said if I want to look at porn we would look together. He motioned me to lean over the back of the car. He pulled up my jacket and pushed my pants down. He began slapping my bottom with his hand. He slapped many times and it was beginning to be painful. His hand must have started to hurt because he stopped for a moment and I heard the jingle of his belt being removed. Usually I would panic a little with the sound of his belt coming off. This time I welcomed it because I knew I needed it. Although with the first spank it took my breath away! And the spanks kept coming! It was hurting more than I expected! I was having a hard time standing still. He moved me into position a couple of times and when I moved again he stopped the spanks and demanded me to get back into place and stand still! I did what I was told because he had that threatening tone in his voice and I knew it was time to accept the spanking or it was going to get even worse. So I settled down and took the spanks. It was so difficult! It hurt so badly. I yelled out but I managed to stay still. And then finely he finished. I stayed in place while he put his belt back on. He took me in his arms and held me for awhile. I wanted to cry but I can't. Nothing else needed to be said. We got into the car and drove home. I'm thankful for a husband who loves and takes care of my needs and holds me accountable.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
We knew we had to get up early in the morning but still we chose to stay up way too late! We had company and we were having fun playing games. After about three hours of sleep I rolled out of bed and jumped in the shower, my mind started racing when I thought about everything I needed to do to get ready for our week end trip! I tend to get anxious and fret about forgetting things. I could feel myself getting uptight!
As I was busy lying out and folding clothes to pack EH finished his shower and came into the bedroom. I heard him lock the door and as he walked behind me to lock the other door I tensed up because he only secures the doors if he has something on his mind! I held my breath hoping he did not intend to spank me this morning. There simply was not enough time and I was stressed about getting everything done! I watched him walk over to the area where he keeps the HANGER! He picked it up and we made eye contact. He motioned me to lie over the bed! I instantly copped an attitude. I told him there was not enough time and I had a ton of things to do! Couldn’t he see I was too busy for this? We awoke later than I wanted to. As I was trying to plead my way out of being spanked he bent me over the bed and pulled my pants down. Smack! Smack! Smack! I was furious! I refused to submit to this spanking. I would show him! I would be just as mad when he was done! He continued to spank my bottom. The spanks were getting harder and harder to take. I started pleading “ok, ok, ok!” He lectured me about how this was going to be a long week end and I needed to be respectful to everyone. (We were going to visit my son and daughter in law. She and I don’t always see eye to eye). He continued to spank me in earnest! Despite myself I slowly began to melt. My body started to relax and accept the punishment. He sensed my acceptance and whispered in my ear “good girl” the spanks got lighter and he asked me “are we going to have a good week end?” I answered “yes sir.” And there it was. He calmed me down. He knows me better than I know myself. He stopped spanking me and brought me up to embrace him. We held each other for a moment and then he sat me back down. I looked down for a split second and when I looked up I was faced with his ‘morning desire’. I rolled my eyes and took him in my mouth. He pushed back and forth for a minute then pulled away and stated “you failed my test, I wanted to see if you were truly submissive. You disappointed me when you rolled your eyes”. I shrank in disappointment in myself. I jumped up and threw my arms around his neck and asked for his forgiveness. “I’m so sorry” I cried. “I didn’t mean to disappoint you. I hate myself!” He held me tight and said everything was ok. “Now let’s get busy!” he said. And he helped me get everything done and we got on the road in plenty of time.
I asked for DD. It took EH a while to come around and it took us along time to get things figured out. I feel like we’ve come a long way though. It’s only been a year and a half. He is so much better at DD than I am even though I was the one who brought it up and asked for it. I didn’t think he would ever really be dominant and I never truly thought he would be good at spanking me. He definitely proved me wrong! I’m the one who is struggling to be submissive. I want to submit with my whole heart. It just doesn’t come natural for me. But I’m working on it and I know I will be better in time.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
We had a wonderful time at the condo this week end! There was enough snow for opening day at the lodge and the kids had a blast snowboarding! EH and I stayed in and cooked a fantastic dinner for everyone. I was hoping while we had some time alone that we would make love and cuddle by the fire. But nope! I ruined it! I let my mouth get out of control and I blurted out a very negative statement towards EH because he didn’t fix a problem that I expected him to fix. But my biggest problem was that I didn’t feel bad about it. One of the boys said I was out of line for saying it and he gave me a terrible look and I felt bad about being chastised by him but I didn’t feel bad about how I felt. At least not until later after everyone left to go play in the snow. EH took me by the hand and led me to the master bedroom. He told me he was embarrassed by what I said and especially that I said it in front of the kids! Oh. I didn’t know that I embarrassed him. I was too busy being disappointed in him to realize that my outburst embarrassed him. Very selfish, I know. EH pulled my pants and panties down and placed his hand on my back to guide me over the foot of the bed. Smack! Ouch! That stung! I looked back and he was using a flat wooden spatula he found in the kitchen. Smack, smack, smack! He had me dancing up and down. I stood up after a few more hard smacks and he waited for me to lie back down and he continued to punish my bottom. It was so stingy! He continued despite my begging to stop. Finely I cried “Can you please change implements?” He said “No!” and I pleaded again “Please please change!” he stopped spanking and as he rubbed my sore bottom I reached into our overnight bag and snatched out the back scratcher and held it out to him. He said “good idea!” and took it from me. I was hoping for a change of pain but it felt the same as the spatula! He continued to spank my bottom for some time as he lectured me on how to choose my words correctly. I really didn’t know he was that upset at me! I was beginning to understand though and I was beginning to feel remorse about embarrassing him. I’m really thick and sometimes it takes awhile to get there. I think he felt me start to melt and thought I was done so he put down the back scratcher and took me in his arms. He held me for a minute and I confessed to him I needed more. Without any hesitation his hands went down to his belt buckle. We stared into each other’s eyes as he unfastened it and carefully slid it through the loops. I watched him double it over. He nodded at me to lean back over the bed. I positioned my head to the side and watched as the belt was lifted up and brought down forcefully on my bottom. I buried my face in the pillow to muffle my cries. He belted my bottom over and over as I pleaded for him to stop! I cried “Just because I said I needed more doesn’t mean you have to be so mean!” He said “I’m not being mean, Babe” and it was then that I broke and felt true remorse! He was right. He wasn’t mean. In fact he’s the kindest man any women could dream of having for a husband. He does anything I ask of him. He takes care of me and our family. He’s gentle and loving in every way possible. How could I be so mean as to embarrass him with my cruel words? I began to feel humble and sorry for my outburst. He didn’t deserve it. And I deserved this terrible punishment! I don’t know how long he spanked me with his belt. I was in another place. A good place. Somewhere I like to be. I came back when I heard him say “It’s over now” and he gathered me up in his arms. We didn’t exchange words. We held each other close.
But it wasn’t over. I had hurt his pride and belittled him and now it was my turn to make it up to him. He put his hands on my shoulders and nudged me to my knees. I looked up at him as he unbuttoned and slid down the zipper to his jeans. He hastily let them fall, exposing himself to me. I took his full erection in my hands and softly kissed it and began expressing my love all around it. I wanted nothing more than to please my man and show him how much I love him. He put his hands on the back of my head and he began pushing himself forward. He was aggressive and slightly rough but I didn’t mind. I needed his dominance as much as he needed my submission. We needed each other. Each fulfilling a need the other craved.
Afterwards we cuddled in bed. I laid my head on his chest listening to his breath slow down to a normal rhythm. We talked about the love we share. We talked about our family and Christmas and how nice it was that we came to the condo. I let him know how sorry I was for my outburst and from now on I will be in better control of how I express my thoughts. He told me all is forgiven and it’s in the past. I believe him and I trust him but as I was laying there I got a feeling that I wanted to be spanked again. Just to know what an after sex spanking was like. Since it was time to get busy before the family came in from playing in the snow, he obliged. He smacked my bottom hard a few times with his hand. “Ok ok!” I cried “I know how it feels now!” But of course I never get to say when it’s over and he spanked me several more times! It hurt, but we both ended up laughing and being playful. At least until we heard the front door open!
Saturday, November 22, 2014
So my blog has already caused me a little grief! I was so worked up about writing my first blog and putting it on the web that I think I had a little anxiety. As EH and I lay down to sleep I asked him if he liked my blog. He said “I thought I told you I did”? I said “You aren’t sharing my enthusiasm!” Mind you he has only slept 4 hours in the past two days! But I kept going on begging for attention about my blog. I accused him of not liking it and on and on. He drifted off to sleep while I pouted about his lack of interest in my excitement over my first post. Eventually I fell asleep only to be awoke (very early) by my pj’s being ripped down and my bottom being burned by a plastic hanger! I normally receive a maintenance spanking in the mornings but this was more on the scale of a punishment spanking! He lectured me about believing him when he said he liked my blog and that I was being disrespectful accusing him of not liking it! Also apparently I had been disrespectful the day before and he was going to correct it before the week end! I was groggy while he pulled my body close to the edge of the bed but with the first swoosh of the hanger I opened my eyes and hugged my pillow! I tried to muffle my yells so I wouldn’t be heard but every strike with that dang plastic hanger was searing pain on my bottom! Along with punishment I think he was releasing frustration from being so tired! Worst morning spanking ever! I kept thinking it was going to end but he continued to spank my bottom for a good long while! I finally said “ I’m sorry” and he eased up and it ended when I accepted the spanking and stopped yelling in my pillow and moving about. He rubbed my bottom for a minute then he jerked my legs over to the side of the bed and entered me from behind! I was not expecting that at all but I complied and rocked his rhythm. It was over in minutes and he held me close and told me how much he loves me. He pulled my pj’s up and tucked me back in bed.
I feel a little more humble about my blog today and I’m not going to badger Eh anymore when he’s tired. I feel sorry that I cause him lack of sleep.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
My blog has been set up for months but I didn’t have the courage to write on it. I read everyone else’s blogs and I got down on myself thinking I can’t write as good as other bloggers do. Then recently I received an email from a blogger who wanted to know a little more about me. We became friends and she encouraged me write to on my blog. So thank you Zekesbestgirl from Shades of Scarlet. And also my husband who waited patiently for me to begin writing on my blog. Here goes.
My husband EH and I started DD a little over a year ago. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit we started because we read 50 Shades of Grey together. Because now a year later we realize the only thing 50 Shades and DD have in common is the few times Anna received a spanking. There’s more about a DD relationship than spanking. Although I admit the spanking was a huge turn on.
From there I researched “spanking” and I came across “Taken in Hand”. I read it for days! Then I told EH about it and I encouraged him to read it. I told him there were people like me out there who liked the same things I did. He looked at the site but he wasn’t as excited as I was. I kept searching and I found “Discipline and Love” and “LearningDD”. I joined the forums and I started reading blogs. I had a hard time getting any work done because I was reading nonstop! I was so intrigued.
EH read the things I emailed him as he was coming around. He starting reading the sites and showing signs of interest. Then a few weeks later he gave me a spanking. It was terrible. It was awkward, we were both uncomfortable and I didn’t think it would ever happen again. But somehow we got through the awkward stages and the spankings became real and we adopted the DD life style.
A little about us..
EH and I are both 50 something. We live in a small town in the western United States. We have several grown children, who all have spouses and we have two teenage sons still at home. We also have two foster care children who we would love to adopt! EH commutes about 45 minutes to work every day and I’m a stay at home mom. We love to go camping and enjoy many other outdoor activities.
I love to write, and I’m excited to finally get my blog started.